What you think does not matter
... until you have the balls to act upon it.
I have been editing this article for the past hour or so seven days, mostly trying to decide which language to use. English won so far, mostly because I feel like I will be able to express myself more freely as I go through this "bloguerapy".
A lot of thoughts and ideas ran through my head, but all I had on paper until now was less than 150 words. Ironically, this is precisely what made me starting writing: over-thinking (you may also call it "procrastination", "fear of the unknown" or "being perfectionist").
Nevertheless, I got to a point where I feel the urge of making things happen. This is becoming vital. It may not be pretty, as I will temporarily fuel this transformation with anger. As a matter of fact, raw willpower has definitely been of great help in the past but it has proven quite unsuccessful when confronted with self esteem issues. My experience is that willpower can initiate "lazy" changes until they become a habit and part of your new routine (getting up early in the morning to go for a run, eating more veg, stopping watching TV, etc...). But the changes you are afraid of or the life turning events and decisions need a much violent trigger, which willpower has not been able to provide so far.
The type of decisions I am talking about here are:
- changing careers
- moving to / buying a new flat
- allowing oneself to dream
- shaping a life plan and acting upon it
- defending opinions and ideas with conviction
On the other hand, it always felt more comfortable sitting back and watching life unfold without being properly engaged. This way, failing could always be due to not trying, as opposed to trying and failing blatantly. This is not real though, and although it may have felt sufficient in the past, it does not anymore.
"Wait and see what happens around you, then act upon what you learnt". I have been living by this "mantra" for a long time. Not by choice, but rather by convenience. From an outside perspective, this may seem wise but the truth is, it is a slow, boring and limited process. And you end up not learning as much as you would hope. Going back to self esteem issues, this is clearly a consequence of thinking yourself not good enough. "People around me are necessarily smarter and know better anyway, why should I risk trying? They'll just show me the way and I'll diligently follow". Learning through the mistakes and failures of others can only take you so far, you need to experience some of them first hand to make any significant progress.
There is so much information available these days that it is tempting to try and build the perfect life blueprint before actually doing anything. This attitude has slowed me down for many years. By trying to reach perfection, I was actually setting myself up to loose, which I could not be really blamed for since the task was impossible from the beginning. Another form of self esteem perversity.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the career I chose has something to do with this paradigm. Computers allow you to indefinitely cancel most of your actions, leaving any commitment to the door. I want and need the opposite : engaging and committing more fully to the things I care about.
Nobody but you has the answers about what you ought to do with you life. You might get temporary inspiration from mentors but the real decisions are between your hands. My first one is to quit postponing. The second one is to stand proudly and firmly and protect what I care about, starting with myself.
Good luck on your journey, you are not alone.
Matt